The light skinned/dark skinned thing

This is, to say the least, getting under MY skin. I understand the problems a majority of dark skinned sistah have to go through in this country. There is little representation of the beautiful dark skinned AA woman. Just like there is little representation of the beautiful full figured woman. But why does that give dark skinned/full figured women the right to look down upon, or even demonize, light skinned/skinny women?!?!

This topic comes up in a majority of blogs I read as well as conversations I've had with friends and even some family. It bothers me to no end because I feel that in praising one the other gets trampled on with a vengeance. From a personal perspective, I'm neither dark nor light, I'm more the caramel complected (if that's a word) in between. I'm also neither fat nor skinny. Once again I happen to be in the middle. But I'm called dark by light skinned chicks and yella by dark skinned chick, a skinny bitch by fat girls and...well no one's ever call me big. Thick yes, but that's a description I wear with pride :0)

Anyway what's with the light skin bashing? After all one of the beautiful things about the AA culture (and if you know me you know I don't see a lot in it in this day and age) is that we come in so many coloures.  From passing white to blue-black brown. Just because you're a yella chick doesn't mean you are better than anyone darker than you. And in the same respect just because you are a dark skinned woman doesn't make you any more special than woman lighter than you.

Everyone wants to be represented well. It's something about this human culture in general that people want to be seen in the best view to the masses as possible. It's also understandable that when one group is dehumanized by another they lash out by trying to dehumanized the group that put a negative image on them. We are all African American women, and honestly all of us want the same thing. To be loved for who we are. So quit with the "I'm a BEAUTIFUL BLACK woman and I'M authentically BLACK because my skin is darker than yours" and the "I'm BETTER than you because I'm LIGHTER and light skin is sooooo BEAUTIFUL." BS to the both of you!!!! You're beautiful because you are a woman. You are beautiful because you know how to groom yourself and keep up your appearance.  You are beautiful because you value yourself and walk with pride.  Your skin is just your souls clothing. It's not who you are. To you vain chicks out there... GET OVER YOURSELVES.

First ever IR book review: Because of You by Rochelle Alers

Well imagine my happy fortune walking past the Wal-Mart book section and spotting one of the books on my Amazon.com wish list. My breath catched and honestly my heart rate picked up. I'm an avid book reader so this tends to happen when I finally find and can read a novel I've been lusting after for a while. In this case it wasn't just the book, it was the genre. BW/WM IR romance.

A few post back I wrote that I'd finally found romance and paranormal romance novels that cater specifically to a woman like me. I'm an AA woman living in the USA that loves WM. Now I finally got to read so much longed for romance stories about just this kind of couple. Thank you Amazon.com/Wal-Mart and enter Rochelle Alers.

Now for all intents and purposes Ms. Alers' book delivers on all the well known romance landmarks. Poor damsel in distress, knight in shinning armor sees and falls instantly in love with her (even though he tries vehemently at first to deny it), she rejects him (even though he's the best thing she's seen since mom's apple pie), they are somehow confined to a small space and forced to confront each other and their growing, undeniable attraction. Oh and let us not forget the sex. :0)  Yes the hot and heavy sex in which said knight sheds his armor and takes Ms. Damsel to heights she's never known before.

For the basic content the book was pretty good. However I have a bone to pick. The major issue in the story (the issue that puts Jordan Wainwright and Azizza Flemming, our two main characters, together) is not something I would have chosen to put in a romance novel. Granted it could have definately worked, if the story was longer and more believable.

WARNING FOR ANYONE THAT MAY READ THIS BOOK: SPOILERS AHEAD

Azizza is a successful lawyer that has just been through a failed marriage (due to her husband becoming jealous of said success while his career went to the shitter), and sexual harassment at the hands of her boss, the man that made her career so successful.

Jordan Wainwright is the adopted grandson of the city's major real estate mogule (and slum lord) and also happens to be THE top lawyer in all of the five boroughs. Upon hearing Azizza's intent to sue her former boss for sexual harassment he decides to help her win her case. Insert unaviodable attraction and excuse to be near Lady Damsel.

Jordan spends the entire book telling himself he will keep their "relationship" professional in the quest to win Azizza's harassment case, however he is so besotted with her he can't seem to keep his hands to himself. You'd think that would be an issue with a woman that has just recently (as recently as a year) gotten divorced from an unsupportive husband, and is actively suing a man for blatently expressing his sexual interest in her. I understand that she feels an equal attraction to Jordan which makes all the difference but it just doesn't seem feesible to me that a woman who was sexually harassed by her boss, and then again by her husband would fall into the arms of yet another man no matter how good looking.

I guess my issue with this book is that aside from it being unbelievable it was hard to continue through because of the back and forth Azizza does in first wanting Jordan so badly she can't stand it then becoming so enraged that he dare make sexual inuendos at her during their arguments. There was very little on the case she was supposedly building against her former boss (which in my opinion would have made this story way more interesting) and IMHO there are characters that play absolutly no part in the plot. It feels as if Ms. Alers just needed another book out so she quickly hashed this one out to her publishers just to give them something. It was disappointing.

So in conclusion, lol, if you are looking for something simple to read just to get your blood a little heated for a late night rendevou don't miss Because of You. If you like more believable story lines mixed in with your romance, I wouldn't recommend this particular novel.

Letter to my heart

Oh my heart. My precious, gullible, too trusting heart. When will you learn that not every guy you find yourself attached to is "the one"? When will you stop causing me grief because you lead me to believe he was better than the last guy? When will you finally allow your fellow organ and our rational partner, my brain, take over in relation matters so that we may no longer find ourselves in these disappointing situations?

My heart I know you want love, but what love is there to be found in something rushed? You can't honestly expect something permanent and long term with someone you've known for less than six months. Someone you might be leaving soon anyway. You yearn for companionship and comfort, I know. But you're going to have to wait. It sucks; seems like everyone around you has found what they are looking for and all you are left with is the grunge. Take solace in the fact we haven't even really explored our world. Be patient with me because I intend to take you to wondrous places where there are plenty of other hearts out there that yearn just like you. It'll happen soon. I promise.

Please my heart no more. I can't take your crying and your heaviness. I can't stand the longing you feel. I don't want the disappointment you so strongly pump through me every time he says and/or does something that hurts you. I just need to breath for a little while. So be light. Let our head take over so you can rest. Your mate is out there and we will find him. Just give me time to get my bearings and let me breath.

My life with a DBR love

When I was in high school I met this guy. He is Puerto Rican and at the time I thought he was the sexiest man walking the halls lol.  We did become friends and still are to this day.  Being around him, talking to him and learning about him I fell in love with him so long ago.  He was very intelligent, funny, sweet, sexy, and always respected me.  He showed me things no other man at the time showed me, or even thought about.

It wasn't until I started really looking at the dynamics of our relationship that I realized he was a DBR.  Not in the sense that he was disrespectful and had a lot of other women or played games and all the other usual traits of a DBR.  He was a thug. He was a gangsta.  He'd lived most of his life affiliated with the Crips and ran the lifestyle of a street hood.  Never did he bring his life around me, he loved me enough not to taint me that way.  I also realized he had a very damaged view of himself.  When we got close (that moment when friendship turns to something more but not quite bf/gf status) he's always said "I'm no good for you mama."  I always brushed it off and would tell him all the good qualities I saw in him (because truth be told he does have a lot).  What I saw was the man that would do anything for his family, the man that cared more for his family and friends more than he cared for himself.  I saw the creative poet and writer, the man that made me laugh with his silly antics.  I saw the man that made love to me as if I was special to him.  I saw the man that had respect and admiration for me.  When I felt I couldn't do something or wasn't good enough for something he was the one that always told me otherwise.  I saw the man I loved and dreamed of having a family with one day.  All he saw in himself was the gangsta, the drug dealer, the man the did horrible things in his past that he couldn't get away from.  It always broke my heart to hear him talk about himself, and I thought if I loved him enough he would eventually see what I saw in him.  I figured if I loved him enough he would do better, he would see that someone cared about him, that someone would miss him deeply if he died.

Recently I had a conversation with him and as much as I wanted to fight it everything just came rushing back to me.  I know now that the family I'd dreamed of for so long with him won't happen.  What's really messing with my head is that for ten years we've been friends, I've constantly told him how much I loved him, how I wanted to be with him and I'd take care of him the way the other hood rat females he ends up with never could.  He told me something (which I won't disclose) that seriously broke my heart as if he'd said he never wanted to see me again.  That wasn't what he said, it wasn't anything in that context, the impact of what he told me had pretty much the same effect though.  And then for the first time since I'd met him he told me he loves me.  I'd waited so long for him to say that to me.  I hate that he finally admits it right after he tells me such devastating news.  He loves me, I believe him for the fact that he's never lied to me.  I know he wouldn't play with my emotions like that and being who he is he wouldn't admit something like that unless he genuinely felt it.  The sad thing is we can't do anything about it now.  Part of me still wants to fight and be with him.  But I feel a bigger part of me saying it's way past time to move on.  There's nothing I can do for him.  I feel so disloyal and guilty for having to move on.  Now is a time he needs me more than anything and I want to be his rescuer but I can't.  I can't save him from this.

I will always love him.  He's the only one that's gotten in my heart.  All I've known for ten years is him.  Now I have to find a way to deal with the fact that my love and I will never be together with the life I'd imagined.

Who runs your life?

I've been thinking a lot about a few things I was reading when a question came to mind. Who runs your life? Who makes those crucial life altering decisions for you? Who makes those preferential decisions for you?

When you wake up in the morning do you check in with anyone to see what you should wear? Or do you pick out an outfit you feel is flattering to you? Do you check in with anyone to determine which soap or body wash you should use? Or do you use whichever body wash you think smells good and moisturizes your skin well? Do you ask anyone where you should live, how you should style your hair, whether or not you should wear makeup, drive a certain car, like certain foods, travel to certain places, read certain books or pursue a certain career field. Or do you simply do these things because they make you happy, fulfill a certain place in your life, and contribute something beneficial to your being?

I ask these questions because I'm betting that the response from a majority of grown women in today's society would say, "I make these decisions for myself. Why would I need anyone to make those decisions for me? Hell why would I let anyone make those decisions for me?" PRECISELY! Why would you? So why then do a majority of women in the "black community" allow others to make the decision of who they date/marry/become lovers with? Why is it that BW allow themselves to internalize rumors and negative stereotypes about men of other races/cultures fed to them by the "black community"?

If you truly are your own woman and have a mind of your own you'd have the sense enough to not bite and hang on to what I like to call "fool's knowledge". What is fool's knowledge you ask? Fool's knowledge is "knowledge" that people have that you cannot verify yet take as fact only because a lot of people believe it's true.  As an independent woman, a woman of her own mind, body, spirit and uniqueness you should know that banking on rumors will hinder you, not benefit you.

Fact: the marriage rate amongst BM to BW is about or around 30%.
Fact: There are way more non-BM attracted to BW than the "bc" would like you to believe
Fact: BM are NOT the only men that know how to satisfy a women intimately
Fact: More BW receive a higher education with a 7:1 college entry rate in the United States alone
FACT: According to a Census taken in 2008 there were approximately 20,400,000 BW to 18,600,000 BM living in the US. Of those 18 million less than half will marry, less than that will marry BW.  That leaves OVER half the BW living in the United States single and alone.

I see, hear, and read too many BM arguing, begging, and crying for "Sistahs" to stay "loyal" to a "brotha."  Too many getting unduly upset with the BW that have opened their mind to expand their options to include non-BM in their dating pool. And too many BW listening to the "bc" when they tell them (BW) who they should and should not date.

To tie this into my topic I asked the questions above to make this point. You don't let anyone tell you what to do in regards to every aspect of YOUR PERSONAL life....except with who you date?  Why? Why let anyone guilt trip you into believing you owe anything to the "black community" simply because you share the same skin tone?  You owe no one but YOURSELF.  You are a woman and deserve to have the life you want.  You deserve to have that 5, 6, 7 hundred thousand dollar house you love so much.   Hell you deserve to have that million dollar house you love (that's me :0)  ).  You deserve to have the sexy car, the nice clothes.  You deserve to be pampered and spoiled.  You deserve to have a man that dotes on you all your desires.  You deserve to have a man that protects and provides for YOU.  And if that man happens to be a non-BM, who is ANYONE to tell you you shouldn't be with him because "he's not black"?  What does it matter that a man that does all this for you and more does not share the same phenotype as you or the "men" within your culture? And why would you care?

You owe NO ONE.  For all those that continually scream that BW should ONLY date and/or (because there is even less chance of this) marry BM because "if you don't you must not care about (or even hate) Black people", know that they have NO interest in YOUR happiness, health or wellbeing.  They actually have no interest in "preserving" the black race either.  If these wolf criers gave a rat's belly about Black people their concerns would not be focused on who you date/marry.  Their concerns would be geared toward cleaning up ghetto communities, getting a better education system in place for our kids, banning and/or boycotting the majority of "music" put out containing disturbing and degrading messages that Black people listen to and idolize, putting stronger laws in place for deadbeat fathers and mothers and ENFORCING on those laws when called upon, advocating better family structures, proper contraceptive actions, safer sex practices and abstinence.  They would focus on the problems within the "Black Community" at the ROOT instead of sweeping the flames from the top (worrying about who you date and more competition for BM) and concerning their selves with irrelevant issues while masquerading it as concern for the whole.

Don't misconstrue what I'm saying here.  You can have everything you want in life with a BM, granted you've vetted him enough to know for certain he will provide all those things for you.  That goes for any man, Black, White, Asian, Hispanic or whatever.  HOWEVER the fact that the "bc" is telling you NOT to expand your search in love and to LIMIT yourself to ONLY BM is a problem.  DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF.  Don't be a victim of fool's knowledge.  Brush aside the rumors, accusations, hate talk, prejudice, spitefulness, jealousy, and outright LIES and make a decision for YOURSELF.  If love is what is important to you, if a better quality of life is important to you, be bold.  Be courageous.  Step outside the proverbial "Black community" that wants to put limits on you and tell you you CAN'T.  Dare to look for LOVE, not color.  I promise you that even if that love happens to be with non-BM but it is true, sincere, loyal, genuine and faithful, you will have the best you could ever pray for.

Starting with statistics, moving onto thoughts of a indoctrinated woman

Something is bugging me. I keep reading all these statistics about the rate of BWBM marriages to others, I'm hearing from different bloggers that WM DO find BW desirable, then WM DON'T find BW desirable, the rate of OOW AA children being born is staggering and whether or not WM treat women better than BM do.

I would like to know how I can research this information myself. My momma always told me to never take anything on "fool's knowledge." Meaning to never just accept anything anyone is telling me. From what I've read in some of my favorite blogs I mostly agree with them because it adds up to what I see in my own experiences. After reading a comment from what seemed a disgruntled poster on another's blog, I had to stop and think a minute. Time to realize that my view of things is only a very diminutive perspective.

From my experience and the things I've seen thus far in life I do believe BW/WM marriages are far more common than people (namely the "bc" and white supremacists) would like to believe. The only way I know how to find out an approximate number of how many there are would be to do a census search. Even then however, the census shows marriages, not the ethnic/cultural make up of the partners involved in said marriage.

Now for those BW that are deluded into thinking (or are trying desperately to keep those AWAKENED BW in delusion) that WM do not find BW attractive and/or marriageable, flat out...you need to get out more. It was the comment by one Matrix Sleeper (what I call these deluded women) that really disturbed me. First, who gave this woman the authority to speak for the WM population? I have had plenty of WM come up to me and initiate conversation. Honestly in all of my experience with WM there has only been one that was not interested in me romantically (we are great friends though) because he's in love with European women (he loves their accent lol). For this woman to blatantly state that "WM consider marrying BW as "marrying down" (no lie that's straight from the horses mouth) shows just how indoctrinated she really is. Maybe WM don't approach HER because she's one of those women that wear the "Back Off!!" mask so clearly. Just wondering.

SIDE NOTE: I just wanted to insert a small comment about that mask. It is true many BW wear it and show it daily. I had to learn how to do this to keep the DBRs away from me at a very young age. Now my daddy, my brother and my uncle are all BM. They are men that take care of their family and are great providers and protectors. They are the "good" BM. However it's because of the exposure I've had to DBR BM that I identify DBRs as BM. I know there are good and bad men in every culture/race, but my limited exposure to other races has narrowed the world wide view of DBRs to the ones I see in the "hood" which happen to be primarily BM. It's occurred to me that because we (BW) feel we need to wear such a mask to keep the DBRs away, when you are around DBRs for an extended length of time, that mask becomes your face. Once that mask becomes your face it's hard to change it. Our perpetual "Red light" is on now.  So my conclusion...it's the DBRs that we protect ourselves from but ultimately ourselves that pay the price for not being able to let down the mask when necessary.

Back to my post: This Matrix Sleeper also made a comment about AA children stating "Also, I think the alarming rate comparison for BM asking BW out on dates is crazy… they may not be marrying BW but something is happening…cause babies are still being born….I am sure not all of them are from one night stands…" She says this as if it's ok. As if making babies is proof that "Black love" is on the rise or something. If I misinterpreted then I'm sorry. This comment does not sit well with me though. These babies may or may not be from one night stands, but a lot of them (this I DO know to be fact) are OOW children that suffer greatly in the long run from not having their father, or mother for that matter (because there are deadbeat mommas). Sad to say I currently live amongst the products of such unions. These kids grow up to be disrespectful, angry, sometimes criminal, and negative all around. Yes babies are still being made. Because dumb BW fall for any line DBR BM feed them, spread their legs to please him, slave in kitchens to feed him and when that First Response stick screams PREGNANT homeboy is out the door faster than Speedy Gonzales and one to the nest one. But that's A-OK from what this commenter is presenting. 

And that ties into this, WM do treat women better than BM do. You can see that clear as day in everything. Businesses, media, music, movies. How many WM have you heard make an album about bitches, hoes, getting money, recklessly spending money, killing, stealing, drinking, smoking, and pretty much anything and everything else out there GLORIFYING a ghetto (SAD) life? Now granted white folks can come up with some pretty crazy music but from a general standpoint they don't degrade their women, or any woman for that matter. I use to be a HUGE Backstreet Boys fan (I still LOVE you Kevin!!!!). Music like theirs along with Jon B, 98 Degrees and a few others showed me what true love songs were all about. I'm not talking about the back in the day music (Vandrose, Williams, Pendegrass), I mean music I listened to only a few years ago. And while Mint Condition continues to be one of my favorite R&B groups, there are very few like them out there.

Aside from music itself, while I recognize that there are some sick, damaged WM out there, that is not the majority. From my observations and interactions WM are career driven, determined, successful, financially wise, and family oriented. These are qualities that happen to be lacking in a majority of the BM base. While some get it, too many don't and blame everyone but their selves for what they lack in life, while overcompensating with something that is trivial and irrelevant (penis size and skills for ex.).

I don't write all this to bash BM and uplift WM. I write this because it's what I see on the daily. Call me out for airing dirty laundry that EVERYBODY can see anyway, this is what I'm noticing. 

My answer to the "You hate your self/people/men" critics

I love Latino men. Enrique Iglesias podemos bailar todo la noche! El es tan atractivo!

I love Asian men. Shin Koyamada had my heart from the first time I saw him in The Last Samurai.

I love White men. Orlando Bloom, Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt (you're a lucky woman Angelina), Eric Bana, John Cena, Randy Orton, Dave Batista, Channing Tatum, Wentworth Miller, Dominic Purcell, Leland Chapman and on and on and on! Jason Mamoa I'll list you here too (though you are White and Hawaiian).

I for whatever reason felt the desire to put it out plainly in writing.  Men of different cultures and races are sexy and appealing to me.  Everything from their physical attractiveness to the tone of their voice, different dialects and accents, men of other cultures and races are a treasure that many a BW would benefit from if only they were courageous enough to step outside to the box the "BC" has put them in.

You have nothing to prove to anyone.  Who can tell you you hate yourself because you don't prefer BM?  Who can tell you you have deep rooted issues because you like a rainbow of flavors, not just and always chocolate?  Who has the right to tell you you are wrong for being who you are, having your likes and dislikes, wanting White over Black, Blue over Brown, and Blonde over Black?  Why try to justify yourself to people that don't know you, people you don't know and will most likely never see or meet again?

What kind of back@sswards society are we living in that makes it ok for EVERYBODY else to do as they please yet BW MUST always stay in their place?  Who decides what that place is?

A lot of questions but heres the best answer I can come up with.  I have TOTAL control over ME.  I decide who I will be with, I decide what I can and cannot do, I decide what I like and dislike, and I decide what's ok for me.  I know my heritage, am damn proud of it.  I come from a healthy stock of Sierra Leon, Africa, Irish American, Cheyenne Native American peoples (I have more African blood than the rest which would classify me as African American).  My people are warriors, lovers, passionate and proud.  We've worked hard, sometimes played harder, but always remembered what it took to get where we are.  That's not to say things were always peachy.  Quite the contrary on occasion.  However this is the history from which I came.  This is the blood that flows through me.

Loving myself, knowing my heritage has nothing to do with the men I prefer.  Simply put, I like what I like.  I prefer White, Latino, and Asian men the same way I prefer Windows 7 over Windows Me (I'm a techie, sorry).

So get mad, throw a hissy fit, tell my I'm breaking your heart, cuss me out, shout me down, have a conniption.  Guess what?  At the end of the day, when your blue in the face and tired from trying to "put me in my place", I'll be in my space with my White/Latino/Asian man in arms enjoying every minute of it.  Why? Because no one can define your happiness for you.  I know what makes me happy and the naysayers can say all they want, it doesn't change a thing for me.

Bright Blessings